Maths Test

Started by Jonners, October 25, 2004, 15:07:23 pm

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Jonners

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools
>and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised
>this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.
>Attached
>are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
>
>
>       MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
>Gang Name _____________________________
>Nickname__________________________
>
>
>1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for
>300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of
>the  rest of his hold ?
>
>
>2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs
>per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke
>habit
>?
>
>
>3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid
>to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need ?
>
>
>4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If
>his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be
>left when he gets out ? Extra Credit Bonus : How much more time will
>Trev
>get for killing the slapper that spent his money ?
>
>
>5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the
>average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with
>eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
>
>
>6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of
>35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20
>seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets
>whacked
>?
>
>
>       MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
>
>Name_____________________________________________________________________
>_________________________________________________________________________
>_________________________________________________________________________
>_________________________________________________________________________
>_________________________________________________________________________
>____  ( if longer please continue on a separate sheet )
>
>School _______________________________________________
>Daddy's / Mummy's Company ____________________________
>
>1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and
>killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to
>intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and
>receives
>a
>payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life
>insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is
>Harry driving now ?
>
>
>2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and
>own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In
>the
>course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and
>Fiona
>doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what ?
>
>
>3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number debutants, but he
>only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14
>Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds ?
>
>
>4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a
>size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she
>has
>to
>make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost
>?
>
>
>5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
>women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners.
>However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will
>he stand for parliament ?
The new songs are an abomination

maria

pretty good jon - worth a smirk - probably true too.

Craig Bayfield

Reminds me of an episode of Family Guy where Peter makes the kids bunk off of school claiming "There's nothing you learn in school that you can't learn on the streets" where it cuts to a ghetto and 2 gang members meet and have a conversation to the effect of "Where's Mickey?" "You tell me! If he left his house at 4 travelling at a steady rate of 6 miles per hour when will he arrive here" "Depends if he stops to beat his ho?" "Datta boy!"

Brilliant stuff.
I'm old enough not to care too much, about what you think of me.
But I'm young enough to remember the future, and the way things ought to be