FRIDAY FUNNIES

Started by Jonners, October 08, 2004, 16:43:50 pm

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Jonners

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me  to sleep at night.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

 You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you  murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?"

 The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

 Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

 I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
 thought the  obvious one was "Shout For Help".
 
 I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take  the  Girl out of Cork ...
 
 Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out  it was a bloody hoax.

 The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to  arm bears.

 My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent  most  of our  family holidays in Customs.

 Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind  legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that  they're  enjoying it as well.

 A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The  hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you  go join  the  circus?"  The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
Plumber".
 
 Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"

 If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a  tunnel, then  on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for  that.
 
 I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed."  I said to myself: "How do
 you think I feel?"
The new songs are an abomination

Slim

Brought to you by Jon 'Jackie Mason' Miller  lol
Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons.

mickpaz2112

T h e y s a y t h a t p e o p l w h o t a k e i t u p t h e a r s e h a v e t r o u b l e r e a d i n g
Some people say they've seen angels,
I've seen United,
That's enough.

Craig Bayfield

You sir, are crazy. That's why we like you!

Nice jokes matey! Got me laughing :)
I'm old enough not to care too much, about what you think of me.
But I'm young enough to remember the future, and the way things ought to be

Sary

You could well earn a living as a stand-up comedian, Jon.  lmao