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June 26, 2019, 02:36:45 am

Tuesday Humour...

Started by Bez, June 08, 2004, 18:50:21 pm

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Bez

Anyone got any good jokes ? In the meantime you'll have to make do with these....

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.I ggo out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true? "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed"


------------------------------------------------------------

"Bless me father for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is.

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father.  I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me  now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say".

"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lip! s are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone.

You cannot attend mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.  His friend Sean slides over and
whispers"what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads.


RC1.1 abd g/n 11/0/bcd/tG PeW/- ~600 x 0 61%

Alistair McNeill

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.  
 
He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well.  
 
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.  
 
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
 
This goes on for 5 nights.
 
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
 
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"  
"Glen Iris" he replies  
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?"  
"Cameo Street" he replies  
"This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?"  
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.  
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!"  
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"  
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN - THINKS AUSTRALIAN!  
You can do a lot in a lifetime, if you don't burn out too fast!

mickpaz2112

Doctor-i'm sorry your wife is in a coma,why don't you try a little oral sex to stimulate her.
10 mins laters the alarm goes and the monitor starts to flatline.
husband-doctor i think shes choked.
Some people say they've seen angels,
I've seen United,
That's enough.

Micke.K

QuoteDoctor-i'm sorry your wife is in a coma,why don't you try a little oral sex to stimulate her.
10 mins laters the alarm goes and the monitor starts to flatline.
husband-doctor i think shes choked.
He heh ;D ;D

Nice one, mate!! 8)

Bez

An "allegedly" true story....

This is a true story ..

An  elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and

upon  returning to her car,  found four males in the act of leaving

with her vehicle She dropped  her shopping bags and drew her handgun,

proceeding to  scream at the top  of her voice, "I have a gun, and

I know how to use it! Get  out of the  car!" the four men didn't wait for a

second invitation. They got  out  and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat

shaken, then proceeded to load her   shopping bags into the back of the

car and got into driver's  seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She  tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes

later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.  She

loaded her  bags into the car and drove to the Police station. The

sergeant to whom she  told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed  to

the other  end of the  counter, where four pale men were reporting a  car

jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five  feet

tall, glasses, curly white  hair, and carrying a large  handgun.

 

No charges were filled. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS

RC1.1 abd g/n 11/0/bcd/tG PeW/- ~600 x 0 61%

mickpaz2112

Some people say they've seen angels,
I've seen United,
That's enough.

mickpaz2112

What woman can wash up with left hand,cook tea with right ,sweep with one leg dust with the other,give a blow job whilst opening a beer with her arse?
a Swiss army wife.
Some people say they've seen angels,
I've seen United,
That's enough.